12/27/00
So I was right once again...about Micky...I knew that he was not going to be anything with me. But that doesn't hurt me, i'm not done hurting myself over other things to let someone new in to hurt me aswell.
Ever had that feeling where you know what's going to happen if you do things a certain way. That's the way I feel, I know that I can have whatever I want right now if I just play my cards right, but I don't want any of it. I don't want it to be given to me. Who's anyone to tell me that I'm wrong for being me, and feeling the way I do, who's anyone to tell me that they love me when they know nothing, who is anyone to judge me because i've made mistakes....no one, they're all no one.
I got my class ring yesterday, the first step of the last stretch of school. It's beautiful, with a pink stone that gliters so beautifully in the light, showing every color of the rainbow....with a guitar and music notes flowing around it, and a manta....all on a white gold setting. I feel weird wearing this ring...I used to wear my moms...the ring she wore in highschool. Someday my daughter will see this ring and love it as much as I loved my mothers, she will wear it on her finger, and think of what this ring has been through.
The whole reality that I will soon be out of school and an adult scares me. Almost scares me. I really can not imagine life to be anything but living here at home with my parents and my brother, what happens when I loose all of it? What happens? I'm scared that I will be the one trucking kids around in a car...I will be the adult driving, and teaching one to live life. I'll be the old person who walks by the 16 year old who is sitting on a bench and wishing that I could look that way again, for just one moment. But what I'm scared of the most it that I will be the one dying some day....someday it will be my turn to give up my life. That's what scares me, having to watch younger people grow up, as I grow old, and loose my life with every year.
Christmas came and went, while not feeling like christmas at all. This year I was the grinch, I didn't feel that spirit at all and I don't know why. It's not like I tried to be this way, but I didn't feel like myself at all, not a bit. To top it off I had the weirdest dream that I've ever had in my life, it scared me so much.
Well, for now...."happy hunting sebastian" Catherine (Cruel Intentions)