12/21/99
Like Always everyone's up this morning......I never get any peace and quiet alone anymore even in the mornings....Last night I had sort of an odd experience, I was at Lori's party, and it was me, lor, cindy, and chris. We decided to play the game of truth....little did we know what we were about to find out about eachother, chris, and I already knew about eachother, but we didn't know that cindy shared our past...something that bonded us together. Now lori didn't share this with us, but I really believe she feels for all of us, she's never been through what we have, nor do I think she wants to have been. I've been meeting more and more people who share the same story/feeling, I'm almost beginning to think that it's more common than not in families today. Chris and I talked about how it changes our outlook on guys, she takes so long to get to even know anyone, but guys take that much longer for her to trust, me on the other hand, I try to block bad experiences with guys out, and really end up doing some stupid things, and that first time I really let myself get taken advantage of, though I've vowed to never let that happen again.......Just like all the other things I've vowed...right, I always seem to fail, the only thing I've ever kept to, and followed through with was loosing weight, and now I'm afraid that i'm becoming obsessive with that.....what if I really ended up Bolimic...or anorexic? I'd end up killing myself to be thin......and come on a size 7 isn't the thinnest in the first place, I mean I'm not fat, but since I was fat when I was younger I have a really hard time staying here, and there's such a possibility that it could all come back........On a lighter note i'm doing ok, I told chris, and cindy about bobby and I last night..chris was pretty excited, and cindy liked the news too, we're gonna wait a while to tell everyone, but it's something i couldn't keep to myself for too long, and those too wont say anything. Last night my stomach was hurting, and I felt horrible, I hope to god it's not something serious, and I'm just getting ready for my time of the month, not the other way around.....I started on some wild behavior last year, and gosh do I regret most of it...ok all of it... I wouldn't be having any of the problems I have today, if I had not ever met Robert, and if I had just stayed home that night instead of going to that stupid teen dance......that day was the beginning of a curse, everything's gone downhill since then, and it really continues to now.....Bobby wasn't strong enough to take what they said last time, and I have a sad sneeking suspicion that he wont be able to take it this time, no matter weather he really wants me or not, he can't take not being normal and accepted, but yet we both live that way everyday, just no one knows.......and then I have my outside abnormality aswell....I pitty him, because he can get away, but me I have to be strong, there's not escape for me.....not unless I move, or I die, and even then it'll stick with me here......From the beginning of my life i've been teased, when I was young, because I was fat, and now because of a BIG mistake that backfired....I shouldn't have been stupid enough to test michelles trust, and even now knowing that....I still end up making the mistake of talking to her about my personal things....And she just continues to tell......do I try to hurt myself or what!!