12/03/00
It's been a while, I realize this, and I find no reason to give any excuse, where as I've come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no one out there who reads this, it's merely for my own entertainment. Life's been normal lately, amazing really, life's been normal. Not too hectic, not to laid back, but normal. Maybe it's balancing out just to kick my butt in a little while?
Dante helped me put up my christmas lights last night, they look great, all except for the one "arbol de vomita" (tree of vomit) this tree looks pretty bad....see we were at the point where we were out of lights, and we had one set of white lights. We put it on, but for this large tree it wasn't enough....we had a set of blue that half worked on, and a set of multi-colored that half worked on.....so we decided to have a little fun. We ended up heaving all of the working parts up there, and it looks so bad, but Dante and I love it. I'm proud of my lights, all me and Dante, mostly Dante.....but hey.
I'm GOING to get B's in English and History if it kills me, I can't let myself go down, I wont let my mother win. She'll see. I've been working my butt off doing all of my work, everything I can do to bring those c's up.....and I WILL do it. I know I can in English, it's History that I'm worried about......it's crunch time, and I'm crunching, I guarentee it. But I will do this, I can, and I will.
My room finally got cleaned up, and looks like someone actually lives in it. I'm happy that I can go in there and not be walking into a white room.....that was all too depressing for me. I've also cleared my mind along with that room, I'm becoming what I always wanted to be, the version of me that does what it takes, then relaxes, not relaxes, and relaxes.....I will make it to that little stage in Miami.....and when I stand there I will see that I have won the ultimate battle, i will have that school as mine, because I want it more than anything.
I'm tired of my mom putting me down, it never seems to get old for her to tell me how much of a fuck up I am....mind my language, but everything reverts back to "you tried cigaretts and alcohol at 13......and then went off and had sex at 14....I can't trust you anywhere" Yeah, I did do that, but you know what, that doesn't mean that I didn't learn a thing from my mistakes. I've been trying to change this whole 4 1/2 months since she found out.....but that angers me so much. It angers me so much that I fear that if she just keeps pushing and pushing I will revert to that way.....I will continue to rebell.....but she just loves to poke fun at me, but no, I'm not the one who chooses to be blind of everything around me, I'm not the one who married the biggest asshole on earth.....she's made some mistakes too, and staying with my father, that's the worst one yet. I hate it when she says "I need to win lotto" That's what half the population thinks! That's not how you get away, try going to school.....try getting a job, that's the only way, failure, failure......and you can't even keep your own house clean.....yesterday I looked at this house, and I was appalled, we live like we have no money at all.....she can't even do dishes, or vaccume......but I did......she can't pick anything up, but I did. Yes she does my laundry......but I've warn the same bra's for two weeks before, I don't know what kind of a job that is.....but If I find the words to decribe it, I will some day. How could she be such a failure......i'm a fuck up, but not a failure.
So i've spilled my gutts for you, probably more than you wanted to know, but that's too bad, because there is more, and I plan on telling it all. Do you know why I hate everything in life, because that's what she teaches me to be like....."not to offend you, but I wouldn't eat off of those dishes you just washed"..."Not to make you upset, but I don't trust you with anything, you can't go because I don't trust you (and I wont ever try)"..."Not to make you feel bad, but you look like crap"...."Your hair looks like crap when you wear it up to school"...."Couldn't you wear something nicer to school"...."You don't have any common sence"...."You don't make any of the right decisions and I don't know why".....Why did I get stuck with this, why? I get so upset and angry that I shut the doors and I turn my music up, go into the bathroom and throw up....I turn my mental sickness into physical sickness.....thrice I'll play the game, I'll hold myself on the ground shivering and wishing that I had someone to listen, just one person to care, but there is no one. My heart hurts, my head hurts, and I'm killing myself slowly.....because you can't help but rub it in.....If only you could know what it feels like. You say that you don't want us to be the kids that never come back, that's been your one goal to raise kids that would want to come back and see you, we'd better come back and see you, but I can't wait to get away from you, get away from you always complaining about everything and doing nothing to change it. It's you who's worthless, I am not....It's you who needs help, not me needing to be restrained......I wont ever come back...you make me sick.
The end justifies the means.......