11/10/00
So much to do, and so little time to do it in, I don't know where all my time is going, I think it's running away. Have you ever tried arm & hammer dental care gum?...Don't bother, it's gross. sooooo much has happened since I last wrote, but I couldn't see writing about it on numerous occasions, so i decided this would be best.
Since I last wrote I've begun to realize the joys of really being in band. Everyone has something to say about you! I've supposidly asked Mike out, and lied to someone about not being able to date within the last week....now that's just shit, all of it. I don't know the exact story about everything, but i'm still working on it. Actually, to tell the truth, I've decided to drop it, stop caring, and go on living my life the way I want to. All of this stuff going on at school is nothing but psycho babble that means nothing, it wont follow me anywhere, and it will mean nothing in a matter of days....
On the other hand, my grades will mean something. I was letting them slip, but no more I tell you, no more, I'm going to work my ass off because I can't do that to myself. I'll do it one day at a time, I have to keep up or else no more band, and a D wont cut the deal. I have a lot of work to do this weekend, but I've vowed to to it, I will do every last bit of it I swear!:)
On a low note, Tonys relationship with Kristin has come to a quick end.....she is unable to go out with him unless other people go aswell.....and they don't want to do that, so it's pretty much over. I feel sorry for tony, but hey...look at me, shit happens....on the relationship note....My ChrisChris is still with her boyfriend matt, they should be doing pretty well.....and Amy and Jack are doing great.....me though, i'm alone, still alone.....I do want to break that not being able to date thing.....someday, I will someday...lol
I'm trying not to talk to anyone about anything that might make me angry right now. In other words I'm avoiding certain contact, and will continue to do so untill I feel otherwise about my situation. There's being a friend to me, and then there's obsession....a fine line some people don't know how not to pass, so it seems.....but that's life, and it happens to be my life, so I can do nothing but deal with it. I guess I'm just too nice to the wrong people, my mom always told me I was leading some people on, but I never believed her, now I'm getting proof.
After all of this time that I've been writing...almost a year actually....I've begun to see the circle in my life. If you read old journals you'll see it too....It all happens more than once, every peice of it. I fall in love, I get hurt, I say I never want to date, I fall in love.....but then there's always the factor of me attracting the wrong people, usually people that are close, and take my niceness as something it is not.....damn me for giving out those signs....
I just realized that I'm not that pretty. I always looked at these different girls and said to myself, well...she's not that pretty, but then I saw myself in the mirrior with one, and realized how much prettier than me she was. Things like that really help self image i'm sure....that's about all of my crap for today...adios.