10/25/00
I just now realized how superficial most of my journal is, I feel so inferior to everyone else. I started reading a journal written by someone who is only a year older than myself and it hit me, all of it at once. I linger on the dumbest things, and in that sence i've failed my task as a writer. I have failed. Now I must figure out what to do to salvage my writing, I must think of something.
I'm officially house bound, I'm let out of my house only for band practice, school, football games, and things that are school related. This time, however, I did nothing wrong, my record is clear of any 'law breaking'. Yes, I've been a good girl, conciderable non rebellious, though my mind is no less sinical than it was before. My mind is the only thing keeping me sain between the walls of this house. My so called prison sectence is brought on by some real mistakes I made last year, I was looking for love in the wrong place, and It did catch up to me. It's funny how things like that happen, you think no, it's never going to happen to me, but trust me, it does.....in my case, yes, I did get found out, and I did get caught....trapped.
I've been looking for a new edge in my poetry, i'm trying to start something different..maybe writing at some new beats, some more freeverse. I found that my poems were becoming way too repeditive, and I knew then that I needed a change. So far I've sat and sat with my radio, listing to things that may inspire me..If i'm lucky I'll get a new beat in my head and go with the flow off my mind. I've come up with some pretty good stuff with that idea in mind, but I've still more searching to do, mostly within myself.
I really think that it's time for me to move on in life, forget the things of yesterday. I'm trying to improve my life in even the smallest ways, I can't afford to fail myself anymore...i've made myself goals. It may have been monthes ago that I stood on that stage of the university of Miami, but I remember it as if it were today, and I remember exactly how bad I want to go there, and what it will take. I will make it there, I have to. Another part of my moving on would have to be forgetting old people, I can't go on lingering upon those people that have hurt me, but remember those who didn't, and those who helped me (granted every person serves a lesson)
Subconciously I think I'm trying to let myself have no free time. I knew that joining marching band would suck up all of my time, but I fought for it with all of my might, and I won. The feeling of victory leads to the whining "I don't want to go to practice" and threats of having to quit. I wont quit. Nothing can stop me from taking what I want, hoping that it has a good purpose.
Is it true that you can get something if you really want it bad enough? I'm not sure, I used to believe that, then I didn't, now I'm trying to re-evaluate it. I wish there was something that I wanted more than anything (other than that college) that I could persue to test my question. I'd be open to opinions on that.
My friends are all once again stuck in their petty lives, most of them I can't connect with anymore. I guess that's why I write, so that I can evaluate my feelings myself. This all comes back to the bubble theory I'm outside a bubble looking in, but they're all in that bubble, and don't bother to try and break out of it. Chris and I joke about needing men, and we think guys are cute....ok, so I remind her every day that Sparks is hot...needs no explination. But don't get me wrong, I'm flying solo, no men this year, I'm trying to grow as an individual, and if that means I get no play...so be it.
In the nation wide mock-election Bush won, he won most of the states, and I was very aggrivated at that outcome. It's a good thing that my mother is voting for Gore. I want Gore as our next president because I agree with a lot of his thinking, and dissagree with a lot of Bushes. First off....I'm pro-choice...what's going to happen if abortions are made illegal...people will go back to doing it illegally possibly killing themselves trying to do it themselves. Abortion should be a persons choice, i'm sorry, but that's what I think. I also do not believe in the school vouchers, it's not right to send those kids to private schools when we wouldn't need to if we focused on improving our public schools. I for one attend a very good public school, and I see no problem in them, but in other places they may need attention. Now, gun control laws.....we don't need new gun control laws, I don't remember stances on that, but either way I want Gore simply for pro-choice...that's a big factor to me, but the gun laws just need to be inforced...there are enough.
There was one more point I wanted to hit, but i'm sorry to notify you that I forgot what it was. Maybe it wasn't that important, I don't know. Anyhow I hope that if anyone has any ideas on how I can improve my journal they will send me an email....thanks.