09/10/00
Last night was one of the most touching nights I've had in a while, one of those nights when you see something, and it forces you to re-evaluate yourself. Every time that I think that I'm ok, I realize the truth, I'm not. Though the suffering has dulled to an extent, I'm still nurturing an undying need for what I once had. I want that feeling of euphoria back in my life, without it i'm just here. No one can deny the difference in my person, I was so happy, even if I had low points, I was so happy, and then I hit a low, an all time low. I was so devistated, and there are just days when that all comes back to me. I stll feel nothing when I look at pictures, but I know that those tingles would come back with just one touch of that sacred skin. I cried last night, tears of pain for myself, no one else pitties me, and I'm left to work with their pain.....but I pitty myself, and cried looking at my photo album...missing the innocense I never should have let go. All I hear from my mother anymore is a reflection of my screwing up. Everything reverts back to how I've messed up, no matter what the topic is, and no matter what she says....it's not helping me any for her to do it.
My birthday's coming up in two weeks, but I don't want anything....I have absolutely nothing to want...except for maybe to wake up and be in euphoria. It's not wrong to be sad, don't get me wrong, it's natural, but the feel something missing every day is another story. I always feel like I'm missing out on something, an open wound. Yes, I do hide that in every day life, when I'm away from this place, and in that fantasy world I've created in my own mind. Yes, everything is ok there, but when I get home, and in my room, nothing's ok anymore, it never is. The only thing I want for my birthday....I can never have...I dreampt it the other night, but it's a false vision...I know it...things like that only happen in the movies.
I don't want to go to homecomming either, I was forced to buy a dress, but what's the use of going and watching all of those happy people having fun...sitting in a corner pining. Mom suggests that I call Josh one more time, maybe ask him to accompany me, because I can not go with anyone from Englewood...that's strictly forbidden. No, I wont call Josh, I haven't for over a month, and I can not ask him to go with me....that would only hurt more, seeing him, being with him, and knowing that I can't have him.....I can't do that to myself. I would rather sit here in my room crying that I didn't go alone than go with or without anyone. I can not overcome this if I talk to him, I don't want to hear what he has to say, I don't want to be a thorn in his foot, and I will not ever speak of my penting emotions to anyone....they will go away again...I am assured.
What should I want? I don't know what I'm supposed to want out of life except for my education....I try to ignore everything else and make nasty comments when my mother comments on my hair or dress. I say things like "no one cares, my friends don't judge me on that...and I'm not trying to impress anyone". It's hard not to want to impress anyone, but I have no one that I would like to impress with my looks or wit. No one in Englewood anyhow.
Have you ever noticed that what ever music you listen to hightens or lowers your mood? When I'm listening to Eminem all of my pent up anger becomes exposed, but when I'm listening to Savage Garden I turn into a walking open wound. There seems to be no medium, no comfort zone in my moods, i'm either too happy, extremely angry, or overly depressed....I'm not happy with any of those alternatives. I want to feel nothing, but instead I feel everything. I don't understand other peoples problems, they seem foolish to me, pining over someone that never knew your name, or thinking about what one to choose....who's better....or Michelle......gabbing constantly about someone new...I don't like that. What really peeves me about her is that she challenges every word that comes out of my mouth, and with nothing to back it up....she's just a typical girl....I can think of a better word, but it would be too harsh for my taste.
I just remembered that everything I feel is just a chemical reaction....and I'm just addicted to the chemical that causes happieness, or lust even. They're all chemicals, not what we think they are, we're just bugs...here to spread and reproduces....a weed..there is only one purpose for me to be here....to die. That's the truth, we're all here to die....in the process of dieing every single second of our lives....we have no more purpose to life than an ant....to keep the population going. what sort of life is that, nothing means anything....NOTHING....heck people get AIDS....but they're only a dieing part of our civilization. I wonder if I have aids...no joke....it wouldn't do anything but speed up lifes process...I'd just die earlier. What's the use of caring anyhow....I have nothing to care about, but I push myself to work at school......I wont ever be a singer. I'm too fucked up to be such an inspiration to people....and I bet I'll never get married, never have kids. what's the point....get devorced....die....nothing.
There's the psycho-annalysis.