08-25-00
Today seems to be as good a day as any for the return of my semi-illfated journal. I have had such a long absence in it's writings, and of any other writings, this is the first day since I left Maine that I have actually sat down to write once again. I recieved an article that Tony wrote about my page, and received it with pride and gratitude, I am pleased that someone would take the time to write about my existance.
Life has been without activity since I returned home, nothing has changed, though I have calmed once again. I am, not necissarily by choice, over the blows of my nonsuccessful relationship with Josh, though I am still doubting weather I will return to Miami next year. In this school year I have made a sort of pact to myself to stay motivated, and away from boys....we all know they are not worth the worry....if not experiencing it ourselves, by hearing from others.
I remember the other day, I was sitting in luch with Tony and our new compainion Zack, and Tony began to tell stories of my eventfull year last year. I may be wrong in taking it this way, but I was almost embarassed to be letting Zack know some of the things that he heard that day. I used to be the one that you would go to if you wanted to see complete rebellion and teenaged experimenting, but I'm now trying to break myself of that mold by abolishing most of those rebellious things (there are still a few that stand, but for the present they are not important).
I realized today that life is nothing but an everlasting quest for knowlege of ourselves, and of the things we are surrounded by, and I am no different. I have always been in a search to find out why I am here and what makes me tick, though I have yet been unsuccessfull in finding those lost answers. Did I do what I did because I was looking for love in all of the wrong places? If you asked my mother, that's what she would tell you, and she will never let me forget anything that I did wrong, not a thing of it...she is still also looking for answers, she doesn't understand me...I am complex to a point that she can no longer fathom what lies within me....
Other than myself, I am looking for answers in people that I surround myself with. I try to find out why they feel things, and deny me the truth about them, when I clearly see through the lies, why they find me such a pawn...a useless one to be thrown around and beaten to a pulp, why they analyze me, why they look at me and think things that are so wrong, and mostly...what signifigance we have in eachothers lives. What signifigance does someone like Matt have on me (matt being my old guitar teacher who I found by the graces of something other than my own good fortune)? Or even that person I pass by everyday at school...they all must mean something, doesn't everything happen for a reason. If it didn't I would be dissopointed to the point I would be questioning my existance more that I could possibly in the present.
In two weeks of school I've gotten more, and better musical offers than in any year perceeding it. I have entered a band to sing vocals and play guitar which I find very amusing, they are a great group of musicians, and I have had an offer to join a girl group who has a manager, will record, and has big hopes....it's confusing, but exciting non the less. Speaking of music and bands, I will in fact have "The Blinking Underdogs" play at a party I will have this year (matt's band) . They're really good, and I would recomend checking out their web page at www.blinkingunderdogs.com you'll get a little taste of what they're like.
As for my future, at this point it is uncertain where I'll go. I don't know if I will manage to reach my potentials this year, or if I will drop my goals and resort back to my old ways. All is in question, I don't know what will happen, I only know that to reach my goal and come out of this alive and well I will have to work harder, and apply myself better than I ever have before. All I can ask for is good luck in my encounters this year, and for less arguement between my mother and I.....That relationship will take a while to fix.....if only I'd never screwed it up in the first place. For now, I give an uneventfull farewell, and I shall go back to reading my novel....goodnight all:)