07-18-00
I've become weary of trying anymore, it's almost as if no matter what I do I'm destine to become unhappy. I realize by reading my journals and my poetry how petty and small my life really is, no one else really cares about anything....no one cares. My life is only a little bubble, only I live in that bubble, and everyone else is outside of that....not the other way as I would have liked to believe a short while ago. Is this all life will ever add up to? this state of being, these worries, and this unhappieness? I don't think that there is anything that could bring my spirits up from things that have happened this summer...from things that took place last school year, but I still have that guitar waiting for me, calling me. That guitar and this voice, that's all I really have....everything else is so meaningless and so....material....none of those material belongings mean anything to me...NOTHING! But yet I remain.
It's been weeks and not a word from Josh. I realized that there is no hope, there never was...he doesn't, never did care for me, or atleast that's what I like to think so as to ease my pain in that situation. Still I look at those pictures of us together, and I want to cry, knowing that there was more there to be dealt with, more fun to have, and more learning for me to do. I did learn a lot from Josh, all of which I'm yet to understand, but I'm assured that some day I will be able to sort all of these happenings out in my mind, in a semi-organized fashion. I was reading through my personal journal, the one that I keep off-line and write for myself only, and I read the most disturbing passage in which I wrote that I saw everything going down from where I was....and watch the next thing would be that I would break up with Josh....and how I would miss him. Could my meaningless scrabble have been more meaningful and correct? And why would I be so right about something like that, how did I know that a month in advance or so....It's sick, all of it, it all makes me sick. I will never understand what it was about him that made me want him so badly, but always remember that I did have that one night to show him what he meant to me...and that short time he was mine. Those times were worth all of this turmoile and I know it, but it does still hurt.
There have been some quite interesting connections between things that people have said to me and signs that I see about me for the past week or so. I've been seeing everything everywhere from the route 66 commercial I saw today and that dreadfull song of the same name, names of characters and people in my life, sayings said on television and all around me and those that people say to me often.....Even today there was the oddest thing that I noticed. I was watching a movie and a character said something like "you have more intregue in one memory than I have in my whole being".....and I thought...Michelle...I heard her saying to me almost in tears that it fusterates her because I have more emotion in one sentence than she's had in her whole life....and that no matter what's happened to me in the past, from every person I've met I learned a lesson. I still remember the look in her eyes when she said that to me, the longing to feel the way I do, but I would almost gladly trade this off to her..there isn't a great deal of joy in a life such as the one I lead, and I prove that once and again.
Soon I'm to leave for Maine; to say the least, I'm not juming out of my shoes for this oppertunity. I acutally leave tomorrow...two weeks and no updates...sorry. I'm sure I'll have fun there, but then again I said that about Miami didn't I. It's going to take me a long...long time to get over that. The question I don't know the answer to...will I ever go back to Miami? I don't know....like I've said and will always say....I don't ever have to go back and I know that...*as I put on Ojos Asi....memories....ohhh* Must I sit here day after day and torture myself (yeah...what fun would living be otherwise...right?) Well..what a paragraph about Maine hu....yeah, it's very random I know...but I can very well live with that; my mind isn't quite on Maine right now as you can see.
(Another random paragraph) Why do people hardly use semi-colons? They are very useful for people (like myself) who tend not to want to end sentences. I find that I have a problem with just stuffing sentences with words, all of which are meaningful. *that's also why I love commas* This is a short and sweet paragraph....
Now before I leave I want to ask for just one thing from god...I would really like to just be happy for longer than a few months at a time...longer lasting please (what else could I ask for...josh...right, that's really usefull, happieness is too bland....and anything else I would ask for or say is too graphic or personal for this site:)