07/14/00
It's been a long time, but I'm back and running again. As anyone can tell, I haven't been able to get to my computer much lately....to make a journal that is, but that doesn't meant that nothing interesting has been happening. To start things off, tony just got back last night, Michelle and Melissa left today, Dante has some new neighbors, and I'm going to Maine (leaving next wednsday)....Humm still more, Stephen gets to meet Joh today, and I'm still kicking it with my guitar. Since I got back from Miami I wrote a lot of poems about Josh....ummm I think my total is about 14-16 something like that, some of them are nice love poems, others are very angry....I'm more apt. to talk about the whole situation now that I'm pretty sure it's over...ya know.
I had been spending a lot of time with my neighbors (Michelle and Melissa) so I'm kind of sad to see them leave now...I was having fun with them. I usually go into spurts of disliking Michelle and wishing I didn't live next to her, but then there are always those times that everything turns out to be ok....I figured out that it's to hard not to like your neighbor. She and I talked a lot about Josh, Miami, school, but I tried to keep away from gossiping about myself too much, or other people for that matter. The way she acted around our new *friend* roy didn't suprise me....she started acting too cool for her sister and pushy...queenie like...but as Dante says, that's Michelle for ya.
I've been planning my birthday party already, even though I don't know exactly who I want to invite. I think I'm going to somewhat go with Dantes advice and stick away from the whole boyfriend scene by not really having a boyfriend, and not really inviting anyone to my party that i'm 'interested' in. I want my party to be fun, I want to be the center of attention.....and I want it to be peaceful...unlike last year. Ugh last year was fun, but it was horrible all in the same....there was the D.J. and Michelle thing, what was she thinking....she knew she was pissing me off, and then there's the fact that I can throw partys that just kick:) This year I'm hoping to have a beach party on Manasota beach, have Matt's band *The Blinking Underdogs* play for me, and perhaps have a dj after they're done....not sure...it'll be just like a party....fun....and my 16th too. I'm HOPING to get my license before the party, just to have it...I wont be getting a car till next summer, which is so far away, so much school between now and then...will it ever end? I'm not so sure.
Back to talking a little bit about Josh. As I was saying about my party....I'm not so sure that I would like for Josh to make an appearance at it...even if he could. I'm afraid that he would do something to upset me...think the D.J. Michelle incident....I can see it happening again, I really can. I mean nothing against Josh, or any of my friends, but I know how people are at parties, and I wouldn't want someone staying in my house that night if they had consistantly pissed me off the whole day by flirting with all of my friends.....that's just not kosher with me at all. I haven't talked to Josh for a while, so I'm not sure where we stand, but I'm pretty sure that it's all over...I have no hope for us anymore. If he doesn't want it bad enough, I find no reason in wanting it either. It's pointless to be in a relationship where you're neglected constantly...I'd rather just be able to have times like I do with dante...sitting digging holes in the sand, and laughing about stupid stuff with his family....those times mean more to me than locking lips with some hotty, and I would choose Dante over any guy any day...dante's my man...lol.
I'm a bit happier now that everything's pretty much over with Josh, and I think everyone can see it. I'd much rather just admier the boys than have one attatched to me at times like this. I tried to call Tony today...well actually I did call him, but he didn't seem to intersted in talking, that's ok. He was helping his dad with some computer stuff and didn't really have the time to talk to me. We talked a little bit, he told me about his getting lost experiences in Chicago, and asked me how I was doing. I'm doing fine ofcourse, never been better actually...very peacefull, but I could sleep a bit more. I would really like to get to see Tony at least once before I leave for Maine, but I'm not so sure that the opportunity exists. It's a sad thing I know, but very true.
I'm not so much looking foreward to my trip to Maine, because nothing will be the same this year. I can't dress the way I want to, I can't go swimming, I'm going to sweat to death....it doesn't seem like it'll be much fun, but I know it will...that's no lie, it will. I'll try not to be as much of a trouble maker this year as I was last. I was hanging out with Chelsea and ummm yeah just being bad to say the least, but none of that this year. I'll try to spend as much time with Cassie as I can, cause I wont be able to see her for another year. And I know that the inevitable feeling of saddness will strike me when we pull out of windy acres to leave for Florida....It will signal the end of my summer, and the end of my vacation.....school....Help.....I'm dreading it more every day..........