07/06/00
I've been writing more poetry lately than ever before in my life, it's nuts, and all of it because of what happened with Josh. I still haven't called him, and don't plan on it any time soon....I wish he would call me, but I know that's just a dream. He will never call me, and I will never hear him say what I want him to say. Dante just got his bottom braces on today....they're driving him up the wall....It's funny. Oh and Lana has a date...I've been keeping in touch with her...I've been practicing my guitar a lot more lately, and talking to Bryan a lot and....if I write this is paragraphs it'll be HUGE. What else can I say really quick before I break it all down for ya...I think that's about it...I'll see once I start writing.
My fingers have been a complete creative blur for the past few days, everything I touch is blessed with beauty and creativity, I love it, but hate it the same. I love being able to create things like music, and poetry....but I hate knowing that Josh hurting me caused it. I hate knowing that it is depression that let me write all of those words, feel all of that music. All of my poems have been about my situation, and what I want...stuff like that, and some more depressing than others. As I get over the whole situation a little more each day...the flame lighens up a little bit and my poetry becomes a little less depressing, though the situation is still an inspiration. Stephen told me to stop writing about Josh, that he doesn't deserve me.....but either way...I use what I'm inspired by, and that's Josh right now....like it or not.
I really wish I could stop thinking about Josh, but I know I wont untill I close the whole situation flat one way or the other. I can't fly with this, it's not cool with me, I want what I want....and I'll take that or if the case becomes so....nothing. I wont take what I have and run with it because that's not the way I feel. I feel more for him than friends with 'benefits'...what is that anyhow? SHIT that's what it is, a lie, everything is a lie....and I wont settle till I know the truth....did he just want an easy girl? I don't know. The one sad thing about this, if I can never have him...is that he's the first person I've had absolutely no regrets about....I didn't ever have to ask myself what I was thinking, or wonder if I was forced to do anything....I know that everything I did I wanted to do, and...hell....I would do it again given the chance....I used those last nights in Miami as if they could be the last times I ever see him in my life.....and they could be just that if I wish it so.....and right now I'm not so sure. Should I ever see him again....should I call him....tell him what I feel....let him know that the age/that stupid f*in law isn't in our way....I don't know....what if he was just making and excuse to get out of it all....what if....I don't know anymore....there is only one thing I know anymore....and that's that I can't make up my mind alone.
I've been playing my guitar for at least an hour a day since I left Miami....I wont let myself play for less and get out of this habit. I want to do what it takes to become the best, and get into that school of my dreams, end up on that stage.....I'm willing to do what santana had to do to get great....thanks to the inspiration of Bryan, Mr. Webb, and everyone at camp that just blew me away....I want to use my modes up the neck, and penatonics....I want to be great, know my chordes without a question in my mind.....and I can do that. I will be taking a few lessons with Matt in August....I can't wait. I want to see what he's learned, and it gives me alittle bit of time to do something I never did before....get to know...Matt. Matt's supposed to burn me a few jazz cds...that'll help keep me inspired....he's being an amazing person lately....for the first time he's showing real interesting in keeping a bond with my mother and I.....and I'm very relieved and thankfull....there WAS a reason we met his family...I KNOW there is....it was fait....no other words to explain it.
Dante got his bottom braces....and I laughed. I'm glad I don't have to go through that again...ever.:) He's being driven to insanity by the way they feel, but he'll deal with it....he's a big boy...lol....and about Lana.....she's doing very well...supposed to call me on saturday I think.....and she's going out on a date that night with one of her friends..boyfriends friends.... one of those almost hard to write things....:)I'm happy for her, and hope this guy works out for her:)
As for me, I'm getting better every day...getting myself out of my little depression binge...doing things that make me feel good....coming out of my room....talking to people other than my computer and the phone....just things to seriously try and get this over with.....but it wont be over untill the fat lady sings and I get to the bottom of it all....and I will...that's a promise...weather I'm with Josh, or I choose never to look at his face again....I will close this chapter of my life and open something new....basically that's all....