07/04/00
Technically I haven't gone to bed yet, but it is past 12:00 am, so it is the fourth. I actually didn't cry today which leads me to hope that I'm getting a little better. I can't stop thinking about Josh, and being confused and hurt, and wishing he'd just left me alone to begin with, never said anything to me, been so nice, emailed me, liked me......why did it have to happen that way. The more I think the more angry and upset I get, but not directly towards him, because I know the way I feel about him....though right now i hate it with all of my heart. I wish I didn't feel this way about him, that I could be heartless like he is and not be hurt at all. The really sad thing about the whole situation is that I'm finally getting inspiration to write my poetry.....why....because I'm upset....I always write when I'm in a bad mood, never a good one, I hate it. From now on I'm going to conciously try to be a mean person to every guy who shows interest in me...simply because I don't want to have to deal with anything like the past week ever again for the rest of my life, though I don't feel as though I will have many people chasing after me. In fact I know no one will really be chasing after me....never have, never will....ha! When I was at camp I would go outside after my first class and watch little kids. Doing that I realized that in a few short years I'm going to have one of those.....and that's amazing that I have that ability. I love little kids, they are so care free, and so little, and innocent, and carefree....Why don't we stay carefree? why does life have to be so serious. My mom told me today that I'm just trying to grow up to fast, but I said that I'm not trying....I'm not, it's just happened over the years. I'm not a kid, only stuck in this body....I have too much life experience, have been through too much pain to be this young....that's why I have the mentality of an 18 or 19 year old....I've been pushed this way. It's a blessing to be able to deal with things the way I do, but it hurts when I wake up to the cruel reality that I AM only *almost* 16. My mother is acting more my age than I am, her anger and hurt comes out the way some one my ages would, and mine comes out the way someone her ages would......we've switched roles in that sence. I still don't even understand how I dealt with Berni this past week....It amazes even me how maturely I dealt with it, and how I wasn't bitter towards Josh or Denny....How did I do it? The only way to explain it is that I didn't, that's just me, I guess I can deal with crazy things like that. I'm screwed up......Tony....come home as fast as you can get here and make everything ok again.....and Dante, thanks for understanding that I'm really hurt this time.....I love you both.