07/01/00
I just returned from a week in hell today, somehow I knew I didn't want to go to Miami, and now I know why. I'm glad to be home, and self assured that I'm ok now that I've returned to Englewood, though I don't know if I'll be going to camp next year or not. The over all set of last week was horrible, though I had some fun last night and the night before it.
Sunday I arrived in Miami at about 4 in the afternoon, called Josh to see if he could come by, and ofcourse suspected nothing wrong at the time, after all we had had a very good conversation the night before. He had told me he was going to spend a lot of time with me. However, he didn't know what room I was in, and when he was going to take me to sunset place (a nice ass mall) with him and Joanna....he couldn't find me. I was out anyhow. Basically not much happened on sunday night. I talked to Berni (the 25 year old who watched us in the dorms) and got to know him as a friend, not a babysitter. And then after we all got back from just going around campus....I went to bed.
Monday set the mood for the whole week....rotten. When I saw Josh he didn't even come up and talk to me, I had to talk to him when I noticed he wasn't. Before I could even say anything he said *lying* that he was timing me to see how long it would take me to notice him....funny, not what I expected. I brushed that off because I was happy to see him, and thought I would have a great time, but as the day went on I noticed that he wasn't quite the same as he had been....it was slight at this point, but I knew something wasn't right. I didn't get to see Josh that night because he got in a fight with his father etc.......so I decided to hang with the guys downstairs. I ran into Berni instead. He and I agreed that we'd hang, go eat somewhere, something.....and when we were walking to the food court we ran into Aron *a friend of Berni's (20)* At first impression I noticed Aron wasn't a really mascuilin looking guy, but brushed off any want to judge him....I would find out sooner or later. The three of us ended up going out to eat at TGI Fridays....and Berni got a kick out of offering me a sip of his beer...which I gladly accepted. They got the crazy idea to have some fun that night, go back to Arons, get some stuff to mix some drinks with and party with the alcohol Aron had at his dorm....so we did. I had three drinks, a strawberry daquri, a white cuban (or something like that, had callua, rum, and milk), and a rum and coke. I was more drunk than I'd ever been, and sadly that was my way of dealing with the stress I knew I was going to be facing that week. After all of that Berni and I went back to my room, and talked (my mom called and I tried to act as sober as I could....he was still there too) after the phone call we kept talking, and Berni revealed some pretty deep stuff. He told me that he wished I was older, because my personality was killer, and my looks didn't hurt either....that he was scared to get to know me at first because he was scared he'd start to like me in ways he wasn't supposed to....but it was too late then. Berni ended up kissing me that night....a "real" kiss.....and I instinctively made him leave.....I was confused even worse at this point.
Tuesday morning I confessed all of the night befores actions to Josh. He was mad, but he said he'd dealt with much worse things, and it wasn't that bad. I was a bit releived by that. It was this day that I chose to talk to him about him backing off from me, I wanted the truth....and he told me. The night before I came, or maybe even that morning, his parents decided that it wasn't a good idea that he see me, I was too young.....why'd they let ANYTHING happen before then....or even come to visit us! I almost cried when he told me, but I kept it in for some stupid reason. He and I had dinner that night, and he treated me like he wanted to be with me, though I realized that it wasn't workable at that point....i was in the ditch.....The whole time I'd been lying to my mom, saying I was having a great time in Miami, spending time with Josh......it was stressfull to talk to her and keep it in.
Wednsday was the worst day of the whole week, the low point in my week. Josh completely backed off that day, I was getting over the Berni thing, and I was hurt. I couldn't keep all the hurt in anymore, it was killing me. when I got home from e-mailing my friend Bryan I called Tony....he was the only one I felt like trusting at that time, and I missed him above all. I cried like a baby to Tony over the phone, one of the less composed moments of my life. I hadn't felt that way, or cried that much since D.C.,and all because of how much I was hurt by Josh, his family, and how much I care about him....I still do even now.....and I still cry...i'm almost crying now thinking of it......anyhow, the conversation was cut short, and Berni called, wanted to borrow something....I composed myself and went down there, and he and I ended up talking. Berni told me that he sees an ability in me that is amazing, I could be a great guitarist, and will be.....and also that he saw in my eyes that I was bottling something inside....I didn't know what it was then, but I did once I told it to my mother later that night. I called her, she pissed me off, I hung up, she called back......and I told her everything that happened that week. She comforted me, and loved me....didn't even yell about the drinking....she said she would come on Thursday instead of Friday, and i was happy....I needed her then more than i ever had before.
Thursday morning I woke up to my alarm, and not a minute later my mother called to tell me what she and Joshes dad *from here on out refered to as Denny* had discussed over the phone earlier. She told him exactly what I was put through, though he didn't really get it at the time and said "well that's life" She said that she talked about the age thing with him and how she knows teens have sex and that she wouldn't prossicute. I can truthfully say that I know she wouldn't....she thinks the law is rediculous....and after having heard it for sure....so do I, but hey I did to begin with. Later that night, after mom had arrived, we went to Titanic to watch the open jam session that Josh and Denny were participating in. I got all dressed up, took a shower etc. before we went, and apparently turned a few heads....even Josh's. After Titanic we drove back to the university and Josh and I stayed and talked for a while....and fooled around too. I couldn't help the way I felt....and beyond that I'm an extreamily sexual person....it's part of my nature. That night Josh kissed me with more intensity that he ever had before, I was more confused than I'd ever been before as to why I could have him as mine, and why I would ever settle for 'friends with benefits'. Earlier that day I had tried to give him the necklace back that he'd given me two months ago *also tried tuesday* and he put it in my backpack...he wouldn't take it....I almost threw it in the lake on campus....but my mom took it from me, she knew I'd regret it.
Yesterday was...well...yesterday, though I could very well confuse it for a much longer time ago due to the *massive* amount of sleep i've gotten this past week. I got in late the night before so I refused to wake up early, and didn't care if I was late for classes....though I still made it on time. Josh didn't get to campus untill lunch....he got to sleep in...I had already eaten when he arrived, but decided to stay with him while he ate, he wanted me to. We did that then he helped me get all of my stuff over to the hall by time my groups practice was supposed to start....we were playing last. Everyone basically just hung out in the hall untill the concert started. I didn't sit with Josh, with my girlfriends instead....I didn't want to be a tag along, or give him the chance to upset me. The concert went pretty well, and my solo was ok, though could have been louder....and I was causing a 5 on the rictor scale shaking so bad.....it turned out mainly for the best. I saw Lana at the end of the concert, and met her brother. I don't know his name. After the concert I got ready to go out and eat with my mom, Denny and Josh...as had been planned the night before. We went out ofcourse...my moms treat.....then went to a movie *Big Mamas house*, it was a really funny movie, and we all needed comic relief from the past week. I don't think Denny really realized what I'd been through, or what kind of person I was untill last night. There was a difference between last night and the night before.....I can't put my finger on it, but it was there, he showed that he liked me a bit more I guess. those two days served as a great way for us all to see how the other works etc. Josh and I hung out again last night, and he served as my tour guide of Miami. I got to see where he lived (went in), his elementary school, his middle school, and the beach....I had really wanted to see the beach that week. We even went over the bridge that Sisqo drives over in the thong song video. (look tony...I learned how to spell video...:) ). Before any of that occured, when we were leaving sunset place *where the theatre is* we were walking to the vans, and I told Josh that there was more I wanted to say to him before the night was over, before I left....one thing the necklace, which I talked to him about then, the rest just anything that was running through my head...which I got the chance to do. My mom saved my ass by asking Denny about Josh and I staying out later....thanks mom....love ya....That was the hanging out thing.....but not all of it was talking.....I felt this electric feeling last night....it was amazing and depressing at the same time. At one point we were in the van (his) in the parking lot of the school....we were both tired and sitting in the back seat, when I realized i'd never done anything to explore his body, any of it. He put his hand on my leg while relaxing with his eyes shut....and I took it in my hands...that are marginally smaller than it is....and just started feeling his hand, around his nails, his fingers, his palm, the top of it, the sides....rubbing my fingers through his....just caressing it. After that he laid his head in my lap and just laid there....eyes shut, vounerable like....in my arms. I took the oppertunity to trace his face with my fingers much like the way I did with his hands, running over his forehead, his nose, his ears, eyes, lips, chin, cheeks, and caressing his hair. It was the most electric thing, showing someone how much you care about them in a completely unsexual way. That's one of the two things I will never forget about us together.
Today I returned home, and am really tired, though I made an effort to write this extreamily long paper.....and now I'll post it and get some sleep for once....