06/24/00
Today is my last day at home, but yet I still don't really realize it. I know that I will be leaving this all tomorrow for a week, but my body only stands to disagree on the subject. Life's always so crazy for me, nothing goes the way I would hope it would, but yet i'm still here. I don't know what I'm going to bring with me tomorrow at all....some of my clothes I'm sure about, but food? what do I bring? I can't bring anything that I think I will pig out on, that's for sure. Then there's the sleep factor....I don't have a clue how I'm going to make myself sleep when I'm there, heck I haven't been going to bed untill 2:00am here. In a sad sort of selfish way I wish that I was not going to Miami tomorrow, but that I would wake up and it be a normal day like today where I can just wake up and watch tv, or come and work on my web page. It seems like there are so many things telling me not to go, my mom now has to drive me without my father, and I feel so bad for her, because I know that she doesn't know the area, the way there, and that weather she'll admit it or not, she's a vunerable person. It would be so great if someone could just see inside of me and tell me exactly what to do about all of these things that I'm so unsure about, but I know that it's all up to me, I'm the one in charge of myself. I choose to do what I'm going to do, weather it be stupid, or smart....sometimes I wish I didn't have the pressure of dealing with myself, and I can see why other people wouldn't want to deal with me either. I was supposed to hang out with Dante today, but that doesn't look like it's going to happen.....I have to get ready to go and pick out what I want to take for food, choose what clothes i'm deffinately taking, and I should probably sort out what electronic things I'm taking, just so it wont be a complete suprise tomorrow morning. I know I wont realize that this is real untill i'm actually standing in Miami without my mother.......the sad thing is that I remember the DC trip, and I can almost feel it coming on again. On the DC trip I got so homesic that I cried for half an hour strait...said how much I hated it there, how much I wanted to go home and see my mom.....lets just hope I'm too busy to care this week. I don't understand why I'm reluctant to go to Miami, Josh is there, camp, friends.....what would make me not want to go, i'm going to have fun and I know it, but part of me wants to stay here away from all of that. Maybe i'm dreading the responcibility that I have to face being off on my own for a while....choosing what to eat, how to dress, and well using my own judgement. On my last day home it's funny how i'm just wasting it, i'd better try to call a few of my friends so that I can atleast say good-bye to them over the phone, if not in person.....well here's the witty closing to my last journal for this month....i'll be getting home on the 30th, so untill then....keep me in your dreams.