06/09/00
It seems almost as if I spend all of my time reading anymore, reading, just reading. Life has become nothing but a book to read. Other lives are books, and my own a book in progress. All day every day since I can remember I've fought with myself about how to express myself, how to keep myself happy, how to stop being my own miserable self, and finally I've realized that I've always known how. I've always had the knack for writing, and singing, and there are so many ways to reinvent myself through those things that it's a seemingly impossible task, yet each time I write, each time I open my mouth and let out a beautiful note it's there. The growing adulthood, the seriousness of my nature, it's all there in my voice, it's all in my fingertips as they caress the keyboard of the computer, as I stare out the window at the rain clouds that are waiting to let the cold wetness loose, it's there.
I can't remember a time when I was truthfully happy. I would like to say last summer when I was a little thinner, a little tanner, a little more care free, but I know that even then I wasn't happy. The only happiness I've ever found was having someone to listen to, and someone who would listen back to me when I was having a problem. In that sense I feel as though I've spent my whole life looking for a trash can, someone who will just take the dump twenty four hours, seven days a week. I wasn't happy when I lived in Maine, when I was young, when I was supposed to be a kid, I knew even then that something was wrong with me, I was fat. Even as I got older I wasn't happy, there was always someone to beat me down, take away what faith I had in myself, and lower my self esteem...I always just wanted someone to love me, I still do. There was a short period of time last year when I thought I could be happy, I'd just lost weight, I had popular friends, and everything seemed to be swell, but I was so nieve, too trusting. To put last year in a nut shell I was stupid, I did things that only made me more angry at myself, and I trusted the wrong people...in turn letting them take me for everything I had, and letting them ruin my innocence.
Even now as I sit here in my dad's darkening office, with just the computer on, staring out the window I realize that I'm not happy. I could always wish to be a little skinnier, to look like 'her', to have a functional family, to have more opportunity...the list goes on, and it's sickening. I almost avoid the things that make me happy, the simple things like picking my guitar up every day or so, and letting myself just sit out and enjoy life, Instead I lock myself in a white room and look at pictures of other people whose lives I wish were mine. Everyone else on earth seems so perfect, they don't even seem to worry about the things that plague me every day, they don't seem to care how they treat others, and live in a little bubble of self happiness that is kept alive only by putting people like me down for the things that we just can't help. It's sad, but I don't even think that Josh really makes me happy, sure he makes me happy, but so did Robert, and Bobby....any guy can perform the act, but is there one that is really just going to want to hold my hand, sleep beside me, not on top of me? Or maybe someone who will be a little more closed minded about my sexual life...I'm not a toy, I don't want to be shared, and I don't like to be used.
Being used, it seems that that's all I do anymore! I let myself converse with Michelle as she uses me for juicy tid bits to pass around, and even my mother and brother. They think that I really want to hear them whine and complain....I don't have enough money, God all the pizza's gone, there's nothing to eat, and my FATHER! He enrages me! I hate him, god knows I hate him! "Is your mother there!", "EverQuest", "What's for suppa!", "F this, F that"....why couldn't he just grow up and be a parent?! He was never there for me, I was a little maid, someone that just served him, but now I'm to the point that I just start being nasty back...I've had enough of him, he WONT be a part of my life, I would much rather dis own him and use him....let him know how it feels.
I wonder sometimes why I hate people so much, but it's just so obvious, they don't treat me like a person. All they do is beat me down, and I take that and ask for more. Boyfriends, now those are another story....why did I have to be so stupid in the first place to see something in the ones I've chosen? First there's Robert....I KNEW he didn't care about me, but I was so young, so stupid that I just let him take me over, gave myself to him to use and abuse. I should have known that it wouldn't last forever, and that he was just a sex-o-matic, drug abusing, pervert that was out to get me, but NO! Then there's Bobby, my god, perfect little BOBBY....yeah right! Who did he think he was, he supposedly used my friend to get to me, and caused havoc in my life. He was the male equivalent of a slut! Doing something just to try to make himself look better....and I was the prize he was looking for. For two months, maybe three, he did nothing but lie to me, use me, make me feel horrible, and try to make up for it with more lies. Am I really supposed to believe that he NEVER ONCE had anytime for me other than the phone and to fool around! That's why I broke up with you in the first place bastard! You're a fuckin liar, just like my dad, I hated you so much, and WHY did I forgive you!
Now.....well now I'm dating Josh, and to tell the truth sometimes I'm not so sure about him, he makes me laugh, is a talented musician, but he's also so willing to just let me go off and fuck anything that comes in my way that I want to....Somehow that doesn't seem right. Because of the other's and my past I'm so cautious of him that I hate to admit it. I never wonder if he's cheating on me, that's his loss if he is, I do care if he only wants me for sex, or for sexual pleasure....that would just ruin me seeing how much I care about him. I've never once cared for anyone the way I care about Josh. That's why I worry so much about him, when I don't talk to him for awhile sometimes I get scared, when he doesn't email me back I think something's wrong with me....something IS wrong with me though. I don't know how someone can be so perfect, but I don't want to move to fast with him, or be open to other males when I'm with him. I want to take my time and explore Josh, his beliefs, his body, his mind....I want to know what really makes him tick, to see how he is really going to treat me before I let myself cross the line into actually falling for him. I say that I love him, and I do, but the extent of that I'm not sure, it may be just puppy love, but I'm hoping not, not this one, let me have found someone who wont just abuse me and leave me begging for more....but still I don't know.
It's obvious to me that I have serious trust issues, and I would really like to work them out with myself, but I don't know how. I've never known anyone like myself, no one as bright, as intellectual, as musical, or as disturbed. I look at the happy persons world as a bubble that I live outside of, how healthy is that. They're only happy by being mean, but I'm so disturbed, and suicidal (*) just trying to be nice, and trying to understand, but the only way to understand is to let someone else understand, and that (Tony) is why I trust you so much. I can let you into me, into my soul without fear, because I know that you know what I feel....not even Dante does that. I know that you actually care about me, about the person inside this body, the mind inside this head, and the fingers on these hands....I know that I'm not just a game to you, and you aren't to me either......thank you for being my friend.
* suicidal isn't used for it's true meaning, only one of being very confused and upset. I do not intend to kill myself any time soon.