05/25/00
After having walked for an hour and a half I still can not begin to analyze todays events. To start the day off I had to do something so stupid to get Sean, one of my most trusted friends, to be extreamily angry at me. I've loved Sean from the day I met him, he's an awesome friend, but I hate the way he acts when he's mad...it makes me mad, but that's what he aims for. If Sean's upset then everyone around him is going to be upset aswell, and it's not enough that I'm sorry, he has to torture me even worse by saying what he's going to do to get back at me, excetra....and all I did was talk to him so that our friend Mike could play a joke on him, but I guess he got just a little bit too embarassed by the joke. I've been snapping at Tony more and more lately, maybe because my hormones are at an extreamily high level right now, maybe because it's the end of the year, I don't know. It seems as though everything I write he thinks it's about him and appologizes and that bugs me, infact he'll probably appologize for this, though I should be the one to apologize to him for writing it in the first place. Whatever it is that's pushing me over the edge is making me a mildly violent and angry person which really isn't me, and for that I'm sorry to anyone that has to come in contact with me during the day. There are three more school days left, all of them being final days, which can be seen as a good thing. On tuesday I have my jazz band final (aka no final) in the morning which means that I get to sleep in on tuesday, then go to my math final. In my oppinion wednsday will be my hardest day of finals, due to the fact that I have my english final on wednsday. Right now I have things ranging from the Sean delema to Josh running through my head, and all at the same time. I talked to Josh for all of 2 seconds today, because he had to go, he said he'd call me back later, but somehow I doubt that.....extreamily. I hate being annaylitical, but when people tell me certain stories, such as the kind I would get from bobby, I begin not to trust them and look at every aspect that they could be lying about. It was after that phone call that I decided to take a walk, I'm sure Josh noticed I was a little upset that he couldn't talk, but after about a minute my being upset turned into something different, I began to annalyze the situation, and make up all kinds of wrong alabies for him....and for that I shun myself, I shouldn't do that. In my oppinion I should be the one that Josh is worrying about, I'm such a horrible person that it's not even funny! Hell I'm crazy if I'd like to call myself that, I'm such a crazy fuck that I don't even know where to begin! I have too many problems for my own good, but why oh why do I have to try and create more! Ah yes it's my nature to ruin any happiness that I might be able to have, for example the whole rumor ordeal last year. I had to tell Michelle a stupid story to see if she would believe me....a disgusting story, but why did I choose the one I did........she told everyone....and you see, I have no one to blame but my own stupid self. Couldn't I just lay down and figure everything out, be able to read everyones minds, be able to solve my petty problems....no, ofcourse not, life can't be that easy. Yep I'm crazy, as big a nut as any in the loony bin, but the one thing I do to tame that, write.....try and treat myself well, because if you can't find anyone else that treats you well you have to treat yourself that way.....and even if you do find someone that treats you well. Well now that I've proven beyond a doubt that I atleast have some crazy issues i'll leave you with this thought, what will she do when she stops typing?.....with me you never know, do ya?