05/18/00
When I sit and think I amaze myself. For someone who is 15 I've been trhough so much and I'm still here. From the whole thing last year, depression, and a mild eating disorder, it's been a bumpy ride. I've made a lot of self improvements and grown a lot more mature and self aware. Yesterday I just sat looking out the window in english class and realized how much I just wanted to burst out crying. For some reason some people will never and have never given me a chance. I'll sit by myself and watch all of the happy social groups, but I don't feel like a part of one, and don't want to be part of a few of them. I feel like I'm becoming more and more closed off, I don't talk to Lori as much, I have no one to tell anything to, and I don't like that feeling. I feel almost as if no one wants to hear what I have to say anymore, though I will admit that there are a few that listen, maybe too much. It takes so much out of me to wake up in the morning and feel as though I'm not 'perfect'. I wish I could go back and realize how fat I wasn't. Loosing weight is like that ever constant fight, and I fight so hard...am I loosing? Some things now that I could possibly do seem rediculous, but what other choices do I have, I ask myself. none. If all goes weill I will win the battle and be on with a new topic in my life, but untill then I fight it all the way.....