05/16/00
I'm waiting for the inevitable, for D.J. Wally and Jimmy to say the magic word and piss me off. I will just smile and walk right up to the office and report them to Mrs. J. I love Jazz band as a class, but some of the people I could do without, that's why it makes me angry that Sean isn't going to try out for next year. I feel like an outsider here, musically I do fit in, but from a social stand point i'm an outsider. After next year it should get a little better though, Wally will be gone, and D.J and Jimmy will have found someone new and exciting to make fun of. There is so much anger built up in me right now, anger at those idots and at myself for not caring for myself properly, eating right and exercising enough. At times like this I hate being me, I wish I could be someone who doesn't have this problem. My hair is horrible, I'm getting fatter, my clothes don't look the way I want, can't I just blink it all away? On a brighter side, Josh is supposed to come visit me on memorial day. That excited me as you might expect. Three words, 8 letters and one meaning......I can't say it, but I know it! It's like the reason I can't say it is because I'm afraid I'm going to mean it, I don't think I ever really ment it before.Everything sort of seems to be working out ok, in it's own way today. Shayna and Dan are getting something started, and I'm semi contriling myself. Everything I was thinking yesterday, any doubts I was having are gone now. I'm sure that I'm taking the road I want to travel forever. Josh makes me so happy, but I always have the minor fear that he'll end up like bobby, telling me he wants to come see me, and making empty promises, never spending any time with me at all. I can handle being away from Josh, but if he's never able to see me, even when I try to ask in advance.....What's the point? it wouldn't work. Anyhow I'm happy now, and I wont try to jeperdize that....