05/15/00
Today's one of those days where you realize that you're at the point of having exactly what you want, and you look back at all of the other options you didn't choose and wonder if you really want what you were sure you did. I look back at everything I'd be gaining by what I have and then glimpse at what I'm loosing by what I have, it's hard and confusing. I'm tired of not knowing what I want and then throwing it away once I realize it. I know what this could lead to, wrong thoughts from wrong people, but truthfully it's an inncent topic, I'm not talking about cheeting on Josh....It's more of like getting where you want to be, doing something like singing, or being committed to something, then wondering what other options would have been like. Just looking around and talking to people got me thinking about this today, there's been a few recent break ups of people who really cared for eachother, and crazy stuff like that, it makes me wonder why I would be any different. Do people ever wonder what the point of dating is, find someone, realize how much you care about them, worry, worry, worry, worry, do you begin so see my point. I'm scared to let myself admit how I really truely feel about Josh, that's probably why I've kindof shut up for the past while....i'm first off really trying to figure it out myself, form my own oppinion, but then when I think I'm sure I become too scared to admit anything. I don't think anyone would get the point of what I just said but me and a few other lucky people, but it's a hard situation to explain. I wonder if Tony actually asked Megan today....I didn't get to ask him.....but you ask my oppinion, I don't think he did, he would have said something to me about it, or I would have heard her saying something. My english teacher once again is phychic.... in class he always seems to bring up topics that Tony and I just had conversations about a few days ago...it's weird, I think the guys stalks us in his spare time....Yesterday after my little rant I went for a jog, then a walk with Tony and on this walk we saw a bird...it wasn't scared of us, and it was tagged, though it was still wild.....which was why I was a bit suprised when it flew and landed on my head! Yesterday was a weird day for me and wild life, because when we were walking home we saw a rattle snake....looked pretty threatening to me, no me gusta. Also last night after I got home I talked to Josh on the phone and he said what is probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me, made me want to cry and smile and laugh at the same time. I wish I could return his poetic like verses with something as sweet, but he's too good for me, I can't compete. I know i'm kind of being an ass in a little way towards Josh though.....I know I want to say it, and I would....but I'm just kind of waiting to say something to him...generally putting it. I wonder if he sees me as a challenge or someone he's got in the palm of his hand, or neither....To me he's neither, he's just Josh, it's just kinda feels like that's the way it is, me and him, and that's how it kida should be, hopefully. (and to Josh...I hope she's your new MIL *think my mom last night what you were saying* too....you've got to know how I feel about you....)