04/25/00
It's almost paradoxal when you think someone is so happy, but begin to read a little bit more in depth to their life. Me for instance, I try to be such a happy-looking person who seems like nothing can bring be down, but every so often I just break and let things get to me. I hate to cry in front of people, but sometimes if you push me hard enough I will just break down and sob, for instance on the band trip, maybe our second or third day in Washington, I just couldn't stand anyone anymore and everything just built up, so I cried...for about half an hour straight...It's really not fair when I don't like to cry in front of people and I do. Well the actual thing that brought me to such a subject was Amy and her web page, Amy seems like me, happy and content, a little strange to some who don't know her, but over all she seems like a happy person, but her journals say much more, they talk about someone who has no clue what she's looking for in life, and someone who just yearns for someone else to care. She just spills herself all out in that journal, and I'm very proud of her for being able to do it so well, because lord knows that I get off track in my writings at times. I couldn't have handled going to school today, I just made myself feel so bad yesterday that I couldn't handle the thought of someone actually seeing me like this, so fat, so over what I want to weigh. Being thin is absolutely horrible for me, I always think that I look fat, and I always think that everybody notices when I'm having a "fat" day, even though I know that they don't. I've been having a really hard time since I got back from the D.C trip, I'm not so stable anymore, and i'm starting to gain some weight. Today I'm starting to take control, yesterday was actually the beginning believe it or not, but I had to make myself see the result of eating too much, and not vomiting before I could have enough strength to go and change what I'm doing. I also skipped my voice lesson yesterday, my throat was beginning to hurt more than I'd ever felt in my life, and if I don't stop my destructive ways I'm scared that my voice will never be the best it can be, that I may loose it all together, loose my one natural, beautiful gift from god, and the one thing that i'm proud of. I'm mildly angry about next year, because I won't be able to take drama, instead it's required that we take a sport, and I know that that was not a requirement in past years. It makes me so angry that I have to put off what I know that I want to do for the rest of my life for something that I have completely no interest in, it makes me want to scream! Why did they have to hit us with practically the same thing two years in a row, we had pe this year, now this, it's very, very wrong, and I'm completely against it, but I also know that I'm just one person, and one is not enough to fight it as wrong as it may be. In closing, thank you tony for your inspiration, and your praise on my page, thank you amy for inspiring me to think more about my writing through your own writing, and thanks to everyone who reads this, i'm very humbled by anyones presence at my page....hasta luego