02/09/00
Love plagues me in a black hole, everyone along the way has taken a part of my soul and left me with nothing, I have no heart. Everything I've ever felt was false, the hate I've received tore me to peices, tore me to nothing, do I really have nothing of myself left? I question everyones intentions, but in my mind they all have something they're looking for, more than what they let me know of. Why is it that I was choosen to have no soul, to feel as though everything is something bad waiting to happen, is my luck so bad, and so wrong that I've asked for this? In some weird way do I enjoy being used like this? It's times like this that I wish I could see inside myself, find the answer, why is it that writing is the only thing of myself I have left, that and music, I have no compassion, those people who hurt me make it a game to see me have this wall infront of myself. Every moment of the day I want to cry, I wish I wasn't here, I hate it here, more than anything, I want to leave, it's the worst place I've ever been, and I'd rather die. I make bad decisions because of unusually low self esteem, and not even the knowlege of knowing what I'm doing is wrong can protect me. My intelligence and conversational skills are so well, but my heart so damaged by the rage of others, they say if it's not broken don't fix it, but I'm broken, a broken person looking for that magical bottle of super glue with my name on it, but i'm afraid that it is my fait never to find it, and just to be another face in the croud, i'm a gonner, I have nothing more to believe in. To others perhaps I wear a mask, but i'll never be me, I don't admit who I am even to myself, but I know that whatever it is, it can't be good, love plagues me into a black hole, I believe that which I know not to believe, and in return that hole takes all that is mine, and that hole, it kills me, it eats me whole.