02/05/00
I've been having a lot on my mind lately, as you can probably tell, but today it's all almost starting to come together to where I can understand it a little bit more, and from an outside perspective. What is it that I'm really looking for, my mom thinks i've become boy crazy, and I don't know weather I'd rather stay single or look for a boyfriend. Such a confusing world, I swear. When I was jogging today I started thinking about this year, things that have been happening recently, and how closely related they are to one another. It's almost as though I'm reliving everything again, to see if I make the same mistakes, or if I correct the ones I made before, to see If I'll let my crush get in the way of my best friends again, it's just weird. I wrote some poetry earlier today, about how this is all happening, and how I wonder if I can survive those things that hurt, and will inevitable hurt again, will I be strong enough the second time around? who knows? I've lost my only chance to ever get out of Lemon Bay highschool before I graduate there, I will never get my wish to leave now, never. My mother is determined that I graduate from Lemon GAY.....and I, I will have to sit there, and put up with anything that anyone ever chooses to give me about myself. The other day in spanish senora was talking to the class about the harassment I've been receiving every time I leave my seat, and she herself said that she would leave this place in a heart beat if it was happening to her, but if only I could. Life is such "sweet sorrow" though the sorrow seems to occur more than anything sweet ever did. Last night I performed at the fair, and got a free pass to go, my only problem is that it doesn't cover midnight magic, and I don't have anyone or anyway to get there. Later that night my mother took me to the mall, and don't get me wrong I was not hopping for this to happen, I just wanted to be at the mall and buying clothing!, but I saw Mike...strangly enough. My mom suggested that I went over and said hi to him, which in turn gave me the courage to do it, so I went up to him, and I swear the few moments before I said anything I was thinking "man why am I doing this!" (ofcourse I was nervous) So we talked a while, and It turned out that he was stuck babysitting for his next door neighbor, who has two kids, and was there to see Screem 3. He told me that he'd seen me playing at the fair, and other than that we started talking about some of the little things that had happened in the past, and the people who if we never saw them again, it would be too soon....I had a pretty fun night last night, but then today someone came online and was asking me about my love life, I hope it wasn't anyone trying to dig up dirt about me that isn't there, because there's nothing there, and as far as I know it's not going anywhere either....