01/25/00
Well it's been a weird day, though yesterday topped the list with the whole fact that I couldn't avoid bobby no matter how much I wanted to, but I'm ok. God I want to write so bad , but I'm distracted by the phone. I did pretty well in my audition today, the second of two days, and I'm so glad that I didn't do something wrong. The weirdest thing that happened today was that bobby called, my mom informed me of that on my way home, and asked like usual, well before I told her what happened, what he was calling for, and like always I replied with "I don't know" I wonder why i hate myself so much sometimes? Well ok so I ruin peoples lives, mostly my own, and then theirs the fact that I don't have a fun life, not at all fun. I don't know why bobby wants to talk to me, I mean I did have a 'close' relationship with him, but it was only phone, and I'm kind of glad that i didn't let it defeat me. I like who I am without anyone else, I hate who I am with other people, so in that i kindof have to make the conclusion to stay by myself....far by myself, I still don't trust anyone, and i don't think that'll ever happen, but then look at my life from the beginning, though that's not a good excuse. For what it's worth i'm sorry for doing anything I ever did wrong, why I did it I don't know, if only I knew, because some things will punish me untill I die, and that's no way to live. I love the TLC song "Dear Lie" I've been listening to it so much lately, that song almost makes me cry, I love it so much, it expresses me so much. Today I was talking to Andrea, and she was talking about Matt Yee, long story there, and Shayna jumped in about some girl that had sex with him alot....interesting, wonder if it was michelle (no I was just joking it wasn't) Well I asked Andrea if she knew Robert, and ofcourse she said yes, he's Matts best friend still, and I kind of teased her about the fact that I went out with him, not telling her the details she wanted to know...Humm just thought of something funny, wonder what'll happen with myriah and Brian, probably nothing, but it's funny to think of, Brian...Myriah...haha that's just beyond me, and god knows i'd laugh if it happened...guess that's about it untill later, life's starting to suck again, sadly, and I refused bobbys wish to talk to me tomorrow, but hey, that's the way life is, Oh Oh before i forget I can't believe what my dad did last night, I was sitting here at my computer, and my parents were arguing about brett, and with me able to hear he yelled "that's it, i'm leaving this week", God, I'll never forgive him for what he's done to us, not just to me, but them too, i hope I don't ever marry anyone like that, god help me!