Advice, to be friends with an ex
Rule one: Establish a mandatory cooling off period.
Breakups, like painful orthodontia procedures, require time to settle in and take effect. And the cleaner the break, the better your chances for eventual healthy healing. Give eachother some solo time to process the fact that you're no longer a couple. It will improve your chances of becoming real friends later.
The rationale: If you continue seeing eachother 24-7, without any observance of the major change that's taken place in your relationship, one of you might wind up confused about your platonic status. Thing of this period as the pause between tracks on a CD: When a song ends, you need time to clear your head before the next one.
Rule two: Don't ask, don't tell.
Stay away from discussing topics involving upcoming dates, recent hookups, new crushes, etc. Instead, stick to nonthreatening (but important) subjects--family news, friends, the trauma of college applications, the best movies playing in town and so on.\
The rationale: Jealousy has a nasty way of staying in the equasion, even after a relationship is over. You may think you no longer feel territorial about your ex, but that doesn't mean you need to hear the details of hs/her latest soft-lipped conquest. Untill you feel comfortable imagining him/her holding another guy/girls hand, keep the chatter love-free. You bother have other friends to share smoochy details of your lives with.
Rule three: Keep the details of the break up private.
Break up negotiations should take place behind closed doors. What went down between the two of you is nobody's business but your own, and by agreeing to stay quiet, you'll protect yourselves from pointless rumors that can escalate into hurtful miscommunications.
The rationale: If you dish your friends about stomping on your boy/girl's heart, and they spread the lowdown to their own sources, by the time the report gets back to your ex, it may have spun out of control. It's pretty hard to create a solid friendship when one person feels like he has egg all over his face. The more mutual the incident looks to outsiders, the easier it is to start your friendship on the right foot.
Rule four: Maintain separate turf.
Divvy up your friends along old party lines ( i.e., his crew is his, and yours is yours), and don't infiltrate each other's scenes too quickly. No, you don't have to invite him to your next basement birthday party; likewise, he doesn't have to ask you to his bands next gig.
The rationale: Claiming your own space will redefine the relationship. And chances are, if he shows up for his Saturday afternoon basketball game to find you on the court shooting with his best friends, he's going to feel pretty invaded. Each of you needs to have separate allies and your own worlds, independant of one another.
Rule five: Do not even concider dating...
His best friends, his brothers or his arch-rival, who you happen to know makes him feel inadequate. And like wise, feel totally justified laying down the same absolute limits on your side.
The rationale: Agreeing to unlimited freedom is one thing. Walking into your own house and finding your ex snuggling with your sister on the couch is another. Let's face it, nothing pulls the friendship plug faster than an illegal liplock. Feelings of betrayal can throw a serious wrench in the goodwill plan.